The Battle of Hogwarts Parody
by Snooperism
Summary: In which Voldemort wears a Snuggie, a pink bunny attacks Ron, McGonagall shouts, "THIS... IS... HOGWAAARTS!", war paint is poorly applied, ghosts dance around Harry, and the writers demonstrate why they shouldn't be allowed near keyboards.
1. Scenes 1 through 4

Disclaimer: This is a parody, none of us own Harry Potter. And yes, we _are_ making this.

* * *

Griffindork Productions Presents

The Battle of Hogwarts Parody

by

Carissa and Chad

Scene One

Setting: A random field outside "Hogwarts".

Music starts to play as the good guys run onto the field wielding their wands. Harry is leading them. Cut to the other side of the field as the bad guys, led by Voldemort, run onto the field in a similar fashion. Close-ups of characters. The opposing sides meet on the field, coming close to violating the laws of time and space. They freeze as they prepare to do battle.

THUNDERING GODLY VOICE

There can only be ONE!

Cut to opening credits. The Thundering Godly Voice continues to monologue.

For those of you who haven't read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but wanted to waste your precious time viewing this video regardless, let's give some backstory. Harry Potter is a wizard. His Mom and Dad were killed by this guy: Voldemort. His best friends are these guys: Ron and Hermione. They have a thing. Yes I know, she's far too attractive for him in real life. But let's focus. Anyway, Harry and his friends went to this school: Hogwarts. However, this year they decided to skip so that they could feel all cool and special and go out and kill Voldemort and his minions. Voldemort has stayed alive by putting parts of his soul in seven "horcruxes." If you don't know what that is, just sit down and shut up and pretend you do. Basically they've destroyed all of them except for the final one, which, as luck would have it, is Harry himself. It's this scar. See that scar? It's gross. People stare. Anyway, a part of Voldemort is alive in there, which basically means that as long as Harry is alive, Voldemort is alive. It's a complex plot. I'm probably not even doing the best job explaining it. Honestly I'm embarrassed I even agreed to do this. The editors are just lazy. Anyway, our story begins at the ending, which is, according to The Sound of Music, NOT a very good place to start. Harry and his friends have returned to Hogwarts so they can effectively endanger the lives of everybody they've ever cared about. Let us begin.

Scene Two

Setting: Inside the Room of Requirement.

A heavily bruised and battered Neville is hanging around, reading a book, preferably Harry Potter or something about swordplay. The door opens and Harry, Hermione, and Ron enter.

HARRY

Neville! Wow, what happened to you?

NEVILLE

It's about time, you lot! Where've you been?

He gets up and tosses the book aside.

HERMIONE

Nevermind that, what evils have befallen you?

RON

Yeah, you look like they've been using you as a Bludger.

NEVILLE

They have! It's been terrible here! First off, they stopped singing the school anthem. Then they hired the _Carrows_.

HERMIONE

Oh no. What did they do?

NEVILLE

Absolutely nothing. They just talk over their magic mirrors all class period. I know _way_ more about their personal lives than I ever wanted.

RON

Is that it?

NEVILLE

No! They put all of Umbridge's rules back, so you can imagine what that's like.

Cut to clip of students and teachers beating up Neville, who is in fetal position. Cut back.

NEVILLE

There is a bright side, though.

HARRY

What?

NEVILLE

Scars are sexy. Am I right, Harry? I'm right.

HARRY

…Sure. Listen, Neville, we really can't stay long-

NEVILLE

But what about the revolution?

RON

There's gonna be a revolution? I _love_ revolutions!

NEVILLE

I got people coming in from all over the place… I used the old DA coin, see?

He holds up a quarter.

HERMIONE

I think it sounds like a great idea. We should stay and do glorious battle.

RON

_Vive la révolution !_

Harry sighs.

THUNDERING GODLY VOICE

Meanwhile, as Harry is being peer-pressured…

Scene Three

Setting: Inside the Shrieking Shack.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters (Snape not included) are chilling out, watching TV. Voldemort has a Snuggie and the remote. Nagini is on a leash. Voldemort looks deeply unhappy.

VOLDEMORT

Why don't they ever show anything good during the summer? It's all talk shows and TV movies.

LENNY THE DEATH EATER

I asked you if you wanted to rent something.

VOLDEMORT

This is your second warning, Lenny.

Snape comes in, holding a cheap plastic microphone.

SNAPE

Here is the enchanted microphone, my Lord.

VOLDEMORT

Excellent! It doesn't need any batteries, does it?

SNAPE

No. It's enchanted.

VOLDEMORT

Good, good… let's test it!

Voldemort starts singing "My Heart Will Go On". Angels die.

SNAPE

Sir, I think you should know that the students and teachers and some other iconic literary characters are over at Hogwarts ready to stage a revolution.

VOLDEMORT

Drat! That means some plucky young hero must have rallied them together!

DEATH EATER

Confound those plucky young heroes! They're always getting up in our grill!

The others stare at this Death Eater.

(cont.)

No really. They keep taking our grill to cook their burgers and hot dogs without even asking. I mean, _really_. They're supposed to be the good guys.

SNAPE

My Lord, the revolution…

VOLDEMORT

(Speaking into the enchanted microphone)

Uh, testing? Testing, can you hear me? Severus, I don't think this is working.

SNAPE

It's an enchanted bloody microphone! …My Lord.

VOLDEMORT

I have mixed feelings for you at the moment. Expect to be dead by nightfall. Anyways. GIVE ME HARRY POTTER OR I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL! You have until MIDNIGHT, Cinderellas!

LENNY THE DEATH EATER

My Lord, I don't think that was the best way to handle the situation…

VOLDEMORT

I don't think that was the best way to handle _your face_.

Scene Four: Hogwarts.

Harry is wandering the halls.

HARRY

Ron…! Hermione…! Come on, I need my entourage in order to save the wizarding world! You guys better not be making out in some broom closet!

Cut to the Chamber of Secrets. We find Ron and Hermione standing outside a door. There is a snake of some sort on it. Ron keeps making odd sputtering noises at it while Hermione acts bored.

HERMIONE

Merlin's _Gameboy_, this is taking forever.

RON

This is harder than it looks, you know.

HERMIONE

I know, I know, you've been saying that.

(Beat.)

Every time.

Cut back to Harry. Ginny runs up to him.

GINNY

Hey Harry, what're you looking for?

HARRY

Ron and Hermione. Aren't you supposed to be waiting in the Room of Requirement?

GINNY

Yeah, but I'm a free spirit. You can't hold me down.

HARRY

That's true. Remind me that we should have a falling in love montage later.

GINNY

All right. I'm gonna go fight now, wanna come?

HARRY

Eh, I really should be looking for the last Horcrux.

Cut back to the Chamber of Secrets. Ron and Hermione have finally gotten in and are exploring.

RON

Hermione?

HERMIONE

What is it?

RON

I don't want to alarm you, but I think I saw something… move.

The giant pink bunny is revealed. Cue Der Kleber Sting.

HERMIONE

Dear God, what is that thing!

The giant pink bunny is holding a sign that has a smiley face.

RON

It's _hideous_!

The giant pink bunny holds a sign that reads, "I love you." It inches closer with every sign change.

HERMIONE

It will haunt my nightmares forever.

The sign has changed: "I want to be your friend."

RON

Should we kill it?

The sign now says: "I want to hug you."

HERMIONE

I do believe we should.

Ron runs to attack it, when suddenly the pink bunny grows fangs and jumps towards him. Camera quickly cuts away to Ron's screams.

* * *

So yeah, in case you weren't paying attention at the beginning of the chapter, this is a movie script that a whole bunch of us plan on filming. Editing will probably take the whole summer because we're busy bees, but hopefully it will be out before the movie. Speaking of which. Only six and a half months left!


	2. Scenes 5 through 7

Sorry, meant to update much sooner than this. Most of the ending is done, though. Snape's death scene cracks me up. :D

* * *

Scene Five

Setting: Hogwarts' halls.

Harry is wandering up and down the halls. Ron and Hermione run out. Ron is bleeding a little from the head and just kind of moving around in a slight daze.

HARRY

There you are! Where were you?

HERMIONE

The Chamber of Secrets. Ron attacked a pink bunny and it bit him right in the head!

HARRY

Oh man, Ron, you okay?

RON

I… Harry… did it.

HARRY

A bite by that thing could do some serious brain damage.

RON

No I'm okay.

He suddenly pukes, then acts like nothing happened at all.

I'm fine.

Harry and Hermione exchange looks.

HARRY

You should probably stick by me for the rest of the movie. Except… except during the falling-in-love montage.

HERMIONE

I heard Voldemort page your name. He must be coming for you.

HARRY

He must know we're here. He can sense it in my scar.

RON

I have a scar.

He begins to take off his shirt.

HERMIONE

Ron! Ron stop!

RON

I wanna show my scar!

HERMIONE

This seriously isn't the time for this.

RON

(Long pause with blank stare)

I love Hermione.

HARRY

Look, when Voldemort comes, we need to disguise ourselves as best as possible. I don't want everybody to get killed here. I remember reading in whatever the name of our Wizard History class about old wizards face-painting themselves before battles.

HERMIONE

I don't really remember that being mentioned...

RON

I remember.

HARRY

See, Ron remembers.

RON

What?

HERMIONE

Fine, Harry. We will paint our faces to disguise ourselves from dark magic wizards. That sounds stupid just saying it.

HARRY

Well the name "Hermione" sounds stupid just saying it, but sometimes stupid things can be smart.

HERMIONE

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be flattered or not.

HARRY

Just go grab your make-up bag and tell everybody to meet in that place we used to sleep.

RON

I love Hermione.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

Scene Six

Setting: Room of Requirement.

Everybody is applying face paint to themselves. It must be fairly war related, some making themselves look more concealed, some making themselves look more threatening. Harry comes out with nothing but a more giant version of his scar over his face.

GINNY

Harry, that's not a disguise at all! You just made yourself more obvious!

HARRY

Oh and you think you could do better?

GINNY

I think probably anybody could do better than that! I mean you took your more defining feature and enhanced it.

HARRY

Well maybe I just get jealous of you taking your beauty and enhancing it more and more each day.

GINNY

Oh Harry...

They start making out in front of everybody. It gets very awkward; they then stop and realize how awkward it is. Silence ensues, then Ron enters room.

RON

Did I do good?

Ron has a wand stuck through his head.

CHARACTERS

Oh Dear Lord! What the heck? Sick! What? Etc?

HARRY

Oh my gosh Ron, what is wrong with you?

GINNY

How did you even do that?

RON

(Long pause, blank stare)

I love Hermione.

Everybody but Harry, Hermione, and McGonagall looks touched. Cue mass "Awwwww!"

HARRY

He's brain damaged! More so than usual!

MCGOOGLES

Everybody focus!

TRELAWNEY

The Inner Eye thinks it's time for a Focus Dance!

Cue music. Trelawney and Ron do a Focus Dance. Everybody but McGonagall joins in.

MCGOOGLES

_Nobody out-grooves Minerva McGonagall_!

She starts to dance. Everybody stares in horror.

THUNDERING GODLY VOICE

Oh wow, it's time to skip to when everybody focused…

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.o.O.o.O.o

Scene Seven

Setting: Outside Hogwarts.

All the characters are lined up in preparation for battle. Harry is riding back and forth on a broomstick. This is going exactly where you think it is.

HARRY

Sons of Hogwarts! And… daughters too, I guess! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the magic of wizards fails, when we forsake our friends-

GANDALF

Now hold on a second. You're not seriously plagiarizing one of the most influential authors of the twentieth century, are you?

Long pause. Camera pans over all the wizards.

HARRY

…Screw you, old man!

GANDALF

That's what I thought.

HERMIONE

Harry, don't you have to go find the last Horcrux while the rest of us do the dirty work?

HARRY

What last Horcrux?

RON

The diadem in the Room of Requirement.

HARRY

Oh. Well, uh… I guess you guys can go beat up bad guys now.

RON

I love Hermione.

GANDALF

Is he always like this?

HERMIONE

…More or less.

Harry leaves as the Death Eaters appear.

MOLLY WEASLEY

CHARRRGE!

Chaos ensues.

* * *

And by chaos ensuing, I mean GLORIOUS BATTLE!

Haha. The next scene honestly makes me so happy.

If you'd like to see the first promo for this, you can take the spaces out of this URL: www. youtube. com/ watch?v = YS84MH1s8bY It's only 25 seconds long and it stars Trelawney with a bouncy "crystal" ball.


	3. Scenes 8 and 9

Scene Eight

Setting: Near the Room of Requirement.

Harry is running back and forth in front of the Room of Requirement. Hermione and Ron run up to him.

HERMIONE

Harry, you have to take Ron. He's almost gotten himself killed five times now.

RON

Have… not.

HARRY

Fine, I just have to go find this diadem Horcrux. Hm.

HERMIONE

What?

HARRY

Voldemort put a part of himself… in a tiara.

HERMIONE

Let's not go there.

They enter the room. Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle are waiting for them. Crabbe has the tiara.

HARRY

They have the Tiara of Doom! Get them!

Hermione points her wand at Crabbe.

HERMIONE

_Accio Tiara_!

The tiara flies through the air and lands on Hermione's head.

RON

Hermione, you're the Hogwarts princess?

DRACO

Somebody hasn't been wearing his _helmet…_

HARRY

Yeah, _your mom_ needed it!

DRACO

Leave my mom alone!

HERMIONE

_Stupefy_!

Her spell hits Goyle. And he's down!

Am I the _only_ one who is capable of being awesome in this movie?

HARRY

I'm the Chosen One.

DRACO

Oh big deal.

HARRY

_Expelliarmus_!

Draco loses his wand. Harry laughs pompously.

And that's _another_ one of your wands that I've won. What now?

Draco bursts into tears and runs to the door before looking at Harry dramatically.

DRACO

Why are you so _mean_?

He runs away. Hermione, Ron, and Harry exchange a look.

HERMIONE

Right. Now, how do we destroy this Horcrux?

Suddenly, Molly Weasley runs into the scene.

MOLLY WEASLEY

Give me that.

She takes the tiara and stares it down. It explodes into dust. Molly Weasley glares at the dust.

Be gone from my sight!

The dust disappears. Molly Weasley smirks.

I must go. The wizarding world must be saved.

Molly Weasley leaves. Harry and Hermione look stunned. Ron is picking at his nose.

HARRY

Ron, how long has your mom been more fear-inducing than Chuck Norris?

RON

Beginning of time.

HERMIONE

I can't believe we've never seen it before.

RON

I love Hermione.

Harry suddenly clutches his scar.

RON

Harry! Are your Potter-senses tingling?

HARRY

They are, Ron! I see… I see… Voldemort!

HERMIONE

What a surprise.

HARRY

He's in the Shrieking Shack with a… a… a Snuggie!

HERMIONE

Well that's stupid.

RON

I want a Snuggie.

HARRY

He… he's summoning Snape!

RON

A pink Snuggie.

HERMIONE

Seems kosher.

HARRY

Now he's saying, "Soon, Severus Snape, I will end you!"

RON

In his Snuggie?

HARRY

No reason you can't murder someone and be comfortable doing it. Anyways, I'm gonna go check it out. Wanna come?

RON

Snuggie of Death.

HERMIONE

Mmm, if it's all the same to you, I think we'll stay behind and fight Death Eaters.

HARRY

Right. See ya.

Cut to battle scene, which is improvised.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o

Scene Nine

Setting: The Shrieking Shack.

Voldemort is sitting in a chair, examining his wand. Snape enters the room.

SNAPE

You wanted to see me, sir?

VOLDEMORT

Ah, yes. Severus, I am not feeling this wand.

SNAPE

What do you mean? You have performed extraordinary magic with that wand. Remember when the pizza guy actually delivered within a half hour?

VOLDEMORT

That was amazing. But it's still nothing compared to what it could have been. The pizza guy might have not only brought our pizza on time, but added in a complimentary two liter of soda. And then taught me to river dance.

SNAPE

Still with the Dark Lord of the Dance dream?

VOLDEMORT

I promise you, someday you'll see my name in lights. Voldemort and the Death Dancers!

SNAPE

…Anyways, your wand.

VOLDEMORT

Yeah. I was thinking that maybe it had something to do with the fact that _you_ killed the original owner.

Quick flashback scene of Snape killing Dumbledore. Then back on Snape, who looks nervous.

SNAPE

…Crap.

VOLDEMORT

_Attack, Nagini_!

He throws Nagini the toy snake at Snape. It's super-effective!

SNAPE

Blast you, sir…

VOLDEMORT

Oh, shut up and die.

Voldemort leaves. After a moment, Harry struts on scene.

HARRY

See, Snape? This is what happens when you have a 'tude with the Chosen One.

SNAPE

Come… closer… you… git…

HARRY

What? Why? _What is coming out of your head_?

Cue Memories, both the song and the blue magic stuff.

SNAPE

Memories… take them, Harry… take them…

HARRY

Why would I want your memories? Last time I was in your head, I was seriously traumatized!

SNAPE

Just take them!

HARRY

Fine!

SNAPE

And now… _I die_!

Beat.

HARRY

Way to be melodramatic.

Cut to the battle, which is still improvised.

* * *

Thanks for all the positive feedback! So glad you're enjoying it. :) I know Scene Eight wasn't as funny, but hopefully Molly Weasley made up for it.

Some lines from the next update:

-"Teachers shouldn't have personal lives!"

-"Dude, I was only killed by some magical drapery and even _that_ stung like a-"

-"I think I was happier when I could only fantasize about what you were like."


	4. Scenes 10 through 12

Scene Ten

Setting: The Shrieking Shack.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters are sitting in a circle.

VOLDEMORT

OK, Bellatrix. Truth or Dare?

LENNY

I still think this will get us nowhere.

VOLDEMORT

Shut your cakehole, Lenny. If I had known you were this lame, I never would have let you in my club. Bellatrix?

BELLATRIX

Dare.

VOLDEMORT

I dare you to… Crucio Lenny!

Everybody laughs except Lenny.

LENNY

The brochure made this sound so different.

RANDOM DEATH EATER

Oh, sir, look at the time.

VOLDEMORT

Right!

He picks up the enchanted microphone and clears his throat.

Heeey! Voldemort here calling from Party Central, though I hear the rest of you've had a _killer_ time. Get it? Killer? Anyways. Uh, all Death Eaters need to get back here to watch Bella torture Lenny. It's gonna be awesome.

BELLATRIX

Harry Potter, my Lord.

VOLDEMORT

Oh yeah- and Harry. Stop being such a wimp. Meet me at the Forbidden Forest in an hour. Hear me, mama's boy?

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Scene Eleven

Setting: Any room with a "Penseive".

Harry walks in, holding a little vial of "memories". He looks at it, sighs, and pours in the contents. The next couple minutes will be a reconstruction of "The Prince's Tale" with fanart played to a cheesy love song. After all of this is shown, Snape and Dumbledore appear.

SNAPE

So basically, I have to kill you at the end of the school year, then eventually Harry's got to let Voldemort kill him?

DUMBLEDORE

That is correct.

SNAPE

So… why have we been letting him live again?

DUMBLEDORE

Well, the timing had to be right. Thousands of children around the world had to grow up with Harry and make him a household name. And also make an Englishwoman very, very rich.

SNAPE

What?

DUMBLEDORE

Oh, sorry. No, the timing had to be right so he could grow up and learn and stuff.

SNAPE

…You're a crazy old man.

DUMBLEDORE

Somebody has to be. So, still in love with his mom?

SNAPE

Oh yeah.

Cut back to Harry, who looks grossed out.

HARRY

Teachers shouldn't have personal lives!

o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Scene Twelve

Setting: Near the Forbidden Forest.

Harry is walking towards the forest with the designated Snitch. Flashbacks of previous scenes. He stops in front of the forest and raises the Snitch near his mouth.

HARRY

Merlin's sweet potato pie, I am about to get murdered.

Harry kisses the Snitch. Cue Can You Feel The Love Tonight? and slo-mo effect. The Snitch opens and Harry takes out the Resurrection Stone. He stares at it, confused, and turns it over. The ghosts of Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus appear.

LILY

Oooo! I'm Lily Potter! Oooooo!

JAMES

Oooo! Harry! I am your father! Oooooo!

HARRY

What… the…

REMUS

I apologize for this ridiculous behavior.

SIRIUS

Say 'Ooooo', Remus!

REMUS

…Ooo.

JAMES

So I guess you found out you're going to have to get killed, right?

HARRY

Yeah. Also, Snape was a bad, bad person.

LILY

Well, not really, he _did_ turn to our side-

JAMES

I think he means the creepy stalker crush on you, Lilylovenoodle.

LILY

Oh. Yeah, he was a bad person.

JAMES

But… wait. If Lily was the only person Snape ever loved… and he never loved anyone else…

Everyone stares at him.

Or washed his hair… does that mean-

REMUS

James!

HARRY

Does it hurt?

SIRIUS

What? Dying?

HARRY

Yeah.

SIRIUS

Oh yeah! Dude, I was only killed by some magical drapery and even _that_ stung like a-

LILY

No! He's lying! It doesn't hurt at all!

JAMES

It is rather tingly, though. Kinda like the feeling you get when you first go swimming in a giant vat of Jell-O.

HARRY

I think I was happier when I could only fantasize about what you were like.

LILY

Sorry. Well, are you ready to walk to your certain death now?

Harry sighs. Cut to Harry walking down the street with the ghosts dancing around him while "Final Count" is playing.

He's still walking down the street…

…Stillllllll walking…

…Ghosts are still dancing around him…

Except Remus…

And he finally reaches Voldemort and the Death Eaters. It would be amazing if they were playing Duck Duck Goose. Voldemort points at Harry. Cut music.

VOLDEMORT

Harry Potter!

HARRY

Moldy-warts.

Voldemort takes out his wand and points it at Harry. Duh.

VOLDEMORT

_Avada Kedavra!_

Cue music again. A flash of green. It's super-effective! Harry the Wizard has "died"! Voldemort has won the battle… but not the war! Sorry.

* * *

Wow, sorry it took me so long to update. Scene Ten was kinda kicking my butt. We start filming on Monday! So excited.

And hey, only five months until the real thing. :D What'd you guys think of the trailer?


End file.
